Psychos, Narcissists, and Slackers, Oh My! My Top 3 Fictional Crushes

While I can be man-crazy with the best of them, I don’t have crushes on fictional characters nearly as often as a lot of people seem to. I certainly have had fictional crushes–Nux from Mad Max: Fury Road, Prince Kai from Cinder, and yeah, Finnick and Nightwing–but they tend to be few and far between.

But yesterday I saw Deadpool, and between his voice and, okay, his red glorified gimp suit (not to mention Ryan Reynolds and, you know, his general personality), I was pretty hot and bothered.  I’m also going to see Pride and Prejudice and Zombies with a housemate for Valentine’s Day, and unoriginal as it is, yes, I love me some Darcy.

Because I’ve been pretty behind on Valentine’s Day posts since those love poems (which were just copied and pasted anyway), here’s my 3 biggest fictional crushes. I’m not sure what to make of this list–if there’s a common thread between them, let me know, because I sure as heck can’t figure it out. (Do Deadpool and Darcy have anything in common??)

1. Norman Bates – Psycho


I really love Alfred Hitchcock and Psycho, and Anthony Perkins as the original (screen) Norman was my first really, really big fictional crush. I don’t think I’ve ever fallen as quickly or as hard for a character as I have since first seeing Psycho my freshman year of high school. I was hooked onto his sweetness, his adorable boy-next-door vulnerability, his odd yet strangely endearing mannerisms and stutter. I still can’t fully explain it. “Adorkable” guys were never really my type. I’ve never been the kind of gal with a hard-on for murderers, either (Deadpool notwithstanding). Tony Perkins is quite attractive, of course, but not nearly as much as say, Poe Dameron or Adonis Creed, whom I liked a lot but didn’t fall for in nearly the same way. It was like love at first sight. If nothing else, I’m grateful that Bates Motel has made admitting my crush a little less weird.

2. Zooey Glass – Franny and ZooeyCLOSE-UP ALAIN DELON











Okay, this one I can understand. Dark-haired, lanky, intellectual pretty boy: if I have a type, I think that might be it. The youngest son and most attractive child (something he himself acknowledges) of J.D. Salinger’s Glass family has an ego problem and generally can be kind of a dick, especially to his mother, but he’s brilliant and magnetic and he genuinely cares for his sister. And unlike other cynical, narcissistic assholes that are so popular in fiction, he actually makes an effort to be less of a judgmental prick (he doesn’t always succeed, but by the end of Franny and Zooey, he seems to get it right). I couldn’t find an illustration of Zachary Martin Glass that I liked, so I put a picture of a young Alain Delon instead. You’re welcome.

3. David Wong – John Dies at the End


I thought I was nuts for liking David Wong (the pseudonym of the protagonist of John Dies at the End and This Book is Full of Spiders, also by David Wong–also a pseudonym) as much as I did, but apparently the roommate felt the same way, and she tends to favor Jim Halpert boy-next-door types. Huh. I hope to God I never actually date someone like David–besides being kind of a complete loser as far as his career and education, he has a very real and sometimes unsettling dark side. But wow, when he comes through for his friends, it’s something to behold. I have to laugh when MRA types think the popularity of bad boy and cocky rogue type characters is because women ‘want jerks.’ Any woman will tell you, of course, that the appeal of a jerk is the idea that he really has a heart of gold, that the love of a good woman can reform him. Sadly, more often than not this is pure fantasy, but isn’t that what a lot of romance (and for that matter, porn) are for?

Happy V-Day, and may you find that special someone who can ride you like Yoda on Luke.

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